Dealing with Divorce

Dealing with DivorceDivorce

Few things in life affect us like a divorce. Especially when you have children. When you get married, there is a blending of lives, two become one. Add in children, and those two become three or more. Divorce literally tears that apart.

There are divorces that are like surgery, where there is a clean scalpel used and the wounds heal nicely with very little scar tissue, but I find that to be the exception vs the rule. Most are like mine; ragged, savage things that come from everyone pulling apart and trying to get as much as they can. More like a raptor attack than surgery. It even feels like the attorneys are the vultures watching from above knowing they will be the ones that truly win.

The naturally human thing to do is blame the “opponent” for all your woes, but as I have seen in my experience, we are equally (and sometimes more) to blame for this fiasco. What we need to do is take responsibility for our part and realize that everyone is hurting. No matter how horrible the other person is, they are suffering in their own way. And as much as there is a certain feeling of “justice” that they are getting what they deserve, know that you are still connected and pain dealt to them also hurts you in some form or another.

Children and visitation: How do I figure out a visitation schedule?

I have been divorced twice, the first time I was young and just went with what the lawyer said was “normal”. Every other weekend, two weeks a summer, alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving. Done. It broke my heart, but I just went with what the attorney said.

The second time I was a bit older (mid-30’s) and took time to really figure out what was best for myself and my daughter. And ended up with a better arrangement. Every other weekend, plus an evening a week, half the summer, a rotation for longer school vacations, birthdays, and major holidays. In essence a more thought out plan than the “Normal”.

I would suggest that anyone going through this traumatic time, find a way to really think it through.

  • What is in the best interest of your children?
    • This is a deceptively simple question. It has been my experience that it is VERY difficult to separate our feelings from objectively what is best for them. Do your best.
  • Get in touch with those, like myself, that have been through it, and can help you know what works.
    • A word of warning: Be very careful with the advice from those who are still angry or bitter. I had a friend that encouraged me to make it as difficult as possible for my soon to be ex. That was NOT the right answer and caused even more trauma.
  • Take a look at your life, and how your life will balance out in the future, not just now. You have to try to look ahead when life will be calmer and less tumultuous. This time is not forever.

Remember this is a difficult process by nature of what is happening. Essentially tearing your soul into pieces and shipping it off to live elsewhere. It DOES get better and easier, give it time.

Prepare for Life after divorce

There is life after divorce. Divorce is traumatic, painful, costly, and emotionally devastating. It also passes. The wounds will heal, the bills will stop (eventually), and our lives will continue. This is a time for reinvention.

After my second divorce, I totally reinvented my life. I realized the mistakes I had made that put me in that place to begin with. For those of you that don’t know my story, I was working so much my life was out of balance. My Faustian bargain had hurt my health, my spiritual life, and my family.

My divorce, and the ensuing chaos, left me with a clean slate to rebuild my life. I have since created a system for life balance and success called the Life Triad, I started speaking professionally, written a few books, and now share my experiences with the world.

My advice to you is to take some time to consciously design your life. Do not let the same patterns control you. Decide what is important to you and go after it! This is an opportunity for YOU to design your life.

There IS life after divorce. Make it glorious!

Deep Breathing

Breathe!

Breathing is so vitally important to our lives, and yet most of us really don’t put much attention to it. Listen to this excerpt about breathing from my audio program. At the bottom of the article is a link to my 5 minute deep breathing exercise.

[Transcript]

Breathing, something we really don’t even think about most of the time and yet it is absolutely critical to our lives. Can’t breathe, you die. There is more to breathing than just the automatic breathing that happens. We need to breathe deeply, breathe into our bellies. In today’s world, especially in United States, there is this almost an epidemic of shallow breathing. We don’t breathe deeply enough, we’re not getting the oxygen necessary to have energy and have real health. I wanted to do a quick talk about the importance of deep breathing and give you a breathing exercise that you can do a couple of times a day that will make a dramatic difference in your health.

Now, the first thing I wanted to touch on is the importance of breathing through your stomach. So many times when we’re taking a breath, is very shallow, it’s in our chest. We don’t let our stomach come out at all. You know, we got to have that flat stomach, but the reality is, is that, in order to have a truly deep breath, your stomach has to come out first, the diaphragm goes down. That’s how you can get that deep breath. You know, they teach it in singing, they teach it in yoga, all of these different things where you have to breathe through your stomach first and then through your lungs. That’s the first part.

Now, what are the benefits of doing this deep breathing that I’m talking about? Well, for one your respiratory system works better. When you use your lungs more fully you’ll find that they’re more efficient. I’ve even heard talk of can help with Asthma and Bronchitis. The other interesting thing is that when you breathe deeply especially breathing through your stomach, as I’m talking about, it can actually help your lymph system work, because the lymph system, that’s what takes away all of the sickness from your body, and there is no pump for the lymph system like there is for the blood with the heart. In order to have your immune system work well and your lymph system to work well, you need that deep breath that helps kind of massage all of the internal organs and your internal systems to help that lymph flow through your body.

Now, the other interesting thing is that deep breathing can help with your digestion. Breathing into your stomach, into your gut actually helps move your intestines and helps increase the flow to there so, if you ever suffering from constipation, it can actually help with that, as wild as that sounds. What else does deep breathing do? Well, obviously it’s increasing the oxygen in your blood, which is good for your heart, is good for your brain, good for your nervous system, everything is getting more oxygen, more energy and is able to take care of itself even better. The other part is that it helps with the nerves, because you’re calmer when you breathe deep and you’re getting all of the oxygen, stress naturally goes away, because part of stress is there is not enough oxygen, there is not enough energy there. You actually feel better mentally, physically, everything.

Now, if you do any meditation, which I highly recommend, deep breathing is an essential part of that and it helps, again, it’s clearing the mind, clearing the body. It just helps that whole process. What is this deep breathing exercise that I’m talking about? It’s actually very simple. You want to sit or get in a comfortable position and you want to breathe in for a count of five and then you want to hold it for a count of 10, and then breathe out to a count of 20. It sounds something like this, so breath in, one, two, three, four, five, hold. Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, breath out. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. There you go, that’s the whole exercise.

Now, ideally you want to repeat this process 10 times, and at the end of that, I guarantee you that you will feel amazing. You’ll feel calmer, you’ll have more energy and this is especially good to do before you go to bed, that way you’re fully oxygenated and ready to sleep. Again, this process is huge for me, I use it every day, I try to do it in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening. You know, three times a day is fantastic, and will really help prove your life and improve your body, mind and spirit.


Click here for my 5 Minute breathing exercise audio